What It Means to Make Amends

Addiction is a brain disease, and one of its most devastating side effects is when a person travels a path marked by behaviors that conflict sharply with their true values and character. When substances take control, people may hurt those closest to them—through lies, broken promises, neglect, or even betrayal. The process of treatment and recovery isn’t only about sobriety but also about repairing the damage caused by addiction. Central to this is the courageous act of making amends.

The Role of Amends in Recovery Programs

In many recovery frameworks—especially within 12-Step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA)—making amends is a crucial step toward restoring integrity and rebuilding trust. These programs highlight this work in their 8th and 9th steps, which involve acknowledging those harmed and taking responsibility by making things right wherever possible.

According to AA, the 8th step is: “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.” This reflection goes beyond surface-level regrets, asking for a deep, honest recognition of the specific ways actions have caused pain or loss. This step promotes ownership over past mistakes rather than blaming addiction alone.

The 9th step is: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” This action is through apologies, restitution, or changed behavior. This phase isn’t about seeking immediate forgiveness or undoing years of hurt overnight, but about starting a healing process grounded in accountability and sincerity.

Now, it’s only natural to initially feel a mixture of anxiety, guilt, and hope when starting this process. It can be intimidating to face those we’ve hurt, fearing rejection or anger. It’s equally important to prepare for the possibility that some amends may not be accepted or that healing will require patience over time.

Therapists often encourage people on the road toward making amends to first practice self-compassion, understanding that making mistakes is part of being human and that change is a gradual process. By focusing on consistent, positive behavior moving forward—sometimes called “living amends”—individuals reinforce their commitment to healthier interactions.

How to Approach Direct Amends

This is the most straightforward form of making things right. It involves approaching the person harmed and addressing the specific wrongs committed. Some practical examples of direct amends include:

Returning money that was borrowed or stolen.
Fixing or replacing property that was damaged.
Apologizing for times when promises were broken or obligations neglected.
Offering to make up for missed responsibilities, such as childcare or household duties.

When making a direct amend, your apology should be genuine and detailed, acknowledging the harm without excuses or justifications. A thoughtful approach includes:

Clearly state the specific action that caused harm.
Express remorse and explain the commitment to recovery and personal growth.
Listen openly to the other person’s feelings and experiences without defending yourself.
Respect their emotional response, even if it includes anger or disbelief.
Asking what might help rebuild the relationship or regain trust, recognizing it may be a long journey.

It’s important to remember that the recipient’s response is out of your control. Some people may need time or may not be ready to accept the apology at all. Respecting their boundaries is part of the process and shows further commitment to personal responsibility.

When Direct Amends Aren’t Possible: Indirect Amends

There are situations where direct amends are either harmful or impossible. For example, someone might have passed away, or contacting them could reopen wounds or pose safety risks. In cases involving abuse, trauma, or other severe breaches, attempting direct amends can do more harm than good.

In these scenarios, indirect amends provide a meaningful alternative by acknowledging past wrongs and demonstrating change through actions that honor the person’s memory or well-being. Here are just a few ways you might do this:

Participate in rituals, meditation, or prayer to foster connection and healing on a spiritual or emotional level.
Donate time or money to a cause that was important to the person harmed or that relates to the nature of the harm done.
Write letters or journal apologies privately to serve as a symbolic act of accountability.
Engage in community service or advocacy related to the effects of addiction or the specific harm caused.
Continue active participation in recovery support, therapy, or personal development programs that address behaviors linked to the original harm.

These indirect acts demonstrate a genuine commitment to growth and repair, even when reconciliation with the individual harmed isn’t possible.

Find More Recovery Resources at Fair Oaks

Making amends is a powerful tool that promotes healing for both you and those you care about. With support, guidance, and a commitment to change, this step can help you move toward a future defined by integrity and renewed relationships.

Fair Oaks Recovery Center in Sacramento, California, is a licensed Chemical Dependency Recovery Hospital—a status issued by the California Department of Public Health to addiction rehabilitation and dual diagnosis/mood disorder treatment facilities. Our board-certified professionals help people discover various recovery methods that continue to provide hope and healing. Learn more from a member of our admissions team.

For more information about programs offered at Fair Oaks Recovery Center, including our intensive outpatient program in Sacramento, please call us today at (888) 576-0222.

What It Means to Make Amends

The Role of Amends in Recovery Programs

How to Approach Direct Amends

When Direct Amends Aren’t Possible: Indirect Amends

Find More Recovery Resources at Fair Oaks

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